The PreGame

This week’s episode of “Food Network Star” was streamlined from 90 minutes to 60, and so, following the theme, I’ll be streamlining my recap. The switch wasn’t brought up on account of the time, however, but something a bit more fundamental:

Major spoilers ahead, yo.

"What is there to do around here?"

That’s the question I try so often to answer in this space. Whether a concert, a movie, a play or an obscure ethnic festival, there are usually plenty of things to recommend and make jokes about.

It’s something we locals get asked all the time, be it by strangers or by friends a-visiting. Our answers are important, but very rarely do they have long-term repercussions.

For instance, last week I recommended a restaurant to two friends who did not like it at all. I feel really poorly that they didn’t enjoy it, but I don’t think they’ll hold it against me. This is usually the worst-case scenario.

Unless you are direct descendants of those to whom you are recommending. Then, all bets are off.

There are nine contestants left in “Food Network Star” — including Hilton Head Island chef Orchid Paulmeier — which is just enough people to field a starting lineup for a National League baseball team that could also make dinner and fight amongst itself.

After five weeks, I think the sample size is large enough to get a good feel for contestants’ chances in the competition. So, since I love lists and turning things that are decidedly not sports into sports things (next up: Figuring out how to calculate “Food Network Star” ERA), here’s how I see things standing.

Note: These rankings reflect who I think is most likely to win the competition, considering overall as well as week-to-week performance.)

Fireworks! It’s fitting that on a “Food Network Star” episode centered around the Fourth of July (more on that in a bit), tensions start to explode between the contestants. Guy Fieri joined the gang this week, and his hair might have been what lit the fuse.

Baseball. Voting. Oversized food items. This is America.

As our country celebrates another birthday this weekend, we’ll surround ourselves with the items and pastimes that elicit our fondest, most patriotic memories. Some will line up along parade routes dotted with replicas of Old Glory, others will gather ’round a grill feasting on hot dogs slathered with mustard and other condiments (just ask Ellis on Page 6). Countrymen overseas will drink Budweiser and lament the side of the road on which automobiles drive.

This week on Food Network Star, Orchid and her fellow contestants went to the set to “Cougar Town,” some of them with misconceptions of what a “cougar” really is.

I believe it was sixth grade — a time I would do whatever it took to fit in, including wearing Airwalks and buying Eminem albums at lunch from the one kid with a CD burner — when animated movies stopped being cool.

No more going to McDonald’s for Happy Meal toys, no more guessing celebrity voices and no more singing the songs — at least until pangs of nostalgia brought them onto people’s iPods years later. Everyone wants to talk about Adam Sandler, not Simba.

After a major error in using canned oysters last week on “Food Network Star,” will Orchid be able to rebound back into the judge’s good graces? Will Penny continue to rub people the wrong way? Will Frat Boy Chris say “awesome” more than is probably recommended? It’s week three of the competition, and the contenders are starting to emerge from the pack.

I struggle in parking lots.

I refuse to let an open triple word score go unclaimed when I play Scrabble. Somewhere along the way, the game of golf got really fun. I only remember things when I’m pulling out of my parking space. I’m stubborn, and, as you can probably tell, my jokes are corny.

Yup, I’m turning into my father.

Hey there, PreGamers. If you read my column Friday, you know that I’m pretty excited about Hilton Head’s Orchid Paulmeier on this season of “Food Network Star.” From what I’ve gathered, there are a healthy amount of you out there who share the sentiment. So starting this week, The PreGame will be offering up recaps of the action to hopefully spark more discussion. If you’re interested in commentary that’s more, you know, live, check out my Twitter feed @theGuidePreGame.

Shall we get to it?