The In Crowd

Some people hope for a day when not one single child goes to bed hungry. Others wish upon the stars for world peace and freedom for the oppressed. Me? I dream of kicking back with a hot cup of Starbucks and watching a really good makeover movie.

I know. I know. Which makeover movie, right?

As luck would have it, The House Bunny was just released. It's a movie about a rejected Playboy Bunny and professional girlfriend of Hugh Hefner who gets kicked to the curb because at 27, she's far too old for the lettuce patch (even though the lettuce patch is most likely limp, gray and unable to be harvested unless large doses of pharmaceuticals and standby nurses are involved).

So the Chinese had a precious, pig-tailed, camera-ready little girl lip-synch "Ode to the Motherland" during the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics because the "crooked tooth" girl with the actual singing voice wasn't adorable enough to represent their nation.

How terrible! How dare they! Those monsters!

Yawn.

Yeah, yawn.

Consider me the new Patron Saint of the Stupid.

That's right, folks, The In Crowd now comes with a halo. What's The In Crowd? Why, it's this BLOG, people. Where have you been? Bookmark it.

In a world full of war, poverty, violence, inadequate education and - dare I say it - Clay Aiken's meandering sperm, I have finally found my true calling. If I don't defend the dumb, who will? Who will, I ask.

Allow me to argue my first case

Can't a girl wear some fishnets and pleather panties without PTA Barbie and her pals - and by "pals" I mean that judgmental freckle-face Midge - clamoring over each other to see who can get to the store first for the wooden stakes and matches?

The answer to that, of course, is no (click HERE to read the story). And it's no wonder.

PTA Barbie's turtleneck is too tight because of her growing obesity, and nobody's buying Midge's homemade scrapbook angels these days (it's a tough economy, you know). So really, this Barbie of ill repute couldn't have come at a better time - the nation needs a neighborhood harlot to hate on.

Here are the Top Seven Things I've Learned in the Past Seven Days:

7. Teenage pregnancy is rewarding and highly recommended. OK magazine's breezy "my labor was easy as grits, and my baby don't cry at all, y'all" interview with a stylishly gray-haired Jamie Lynn Spears leaves me with only one question: Why can't I be an unwed, pregnant teenager? It sounds so swell.

It's time for me to build a bridge. Here goes. You plain-faced folks have no idea just how easy you have it! None! Every day you live life like you were born into the House of Clinique with a lifetime membership to the Even-Toned Skin Club.

Meanwhile us freckled sorts have to put up with taunts from rotten school kids ("Hey freckleface, did an angel poop on your face?"), rude comments from the makeup counter ("Wow. Uh ... Maybe we'll just concentrate on your eyes. Interesting how you don't have freckles on your neck.") and hostile judgments from doctors.

Thanks to some alert and informative grandchildren, our friends to the north are now happily on their way to ridding themselves of the Three Dirtiest Letters You Can Put on a License Plate.

WOW. (Those aren't the letters. I'm just really, really shocked by North Carolina.)

All right, ladies, I'm ordering all of you to go to Walgreens immediately and buy dozens of pregnancy tests ... buy them all! ... and you might want to pick up some Ben & Jerry's while you're there just to have something in which to drown your inevitable sorrows (my favorite flavor is Chocolate-Toffee Xanax).

I know you're probably wondering why we're taking all these pregnancy tests and eating pint after pint of ice cream (and carefully licking delicious chocolate off Xanax tabs ...what? It's been a hard week.)

Last night I watched "Denise Richards: It's Complicated" and "Living Lohan." - E!'s two new celeb "reality" shows - and I must say, I give them both A-plus-plusses. They earned it.

Wait. What's higher than an A-plus-plus? There's got to be some better way to express this. I mean, they were so good I think they deserve to have reality shows made about how awesome their reality shows are. I would even go one step further and say they were so good they deserve to have reality shows made about the reality shows about how awesome their reality shows are. (I think I just disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity ... look closely).

Times are tough for everyone, ain't no lie there. Groceries cost an arm and a leg. Every major business seems to be losing ground. And gas is so beyond ridiculous, it's exhausting even to think about it ... also, it's turning me into Marie Antoinette and not the misunderstood Kirsten Dunst version, either. "'Let them eat cake'??? Wait, I was totally high and misquoted! Where's my shoe?"

Observe, from a real conversation I had today ... Friend: "Let's use this editorial cartoon on how we have no right to complain about gas prices when there are people suffering in Myanmar." Me: "Those people don't have cars, though."