Happy Halloween, everybody. Once again, the doctor is in.
If you don’t remember from last year — or if the character you dressed up as lacks the capacity to remember (many zombies, werewolves and Charlie Sheens have this problem) — I established in this space that what you pick for your Halloween costume sends a message to everyone, inviting them a peek into your subconscious.
Well, another year seems to have gone by faster than you can say “All Hallow’s Eve” (because you have used the word Halloween too many times in the past two paragraphs), and that means a new batch of national events upon which to base topical costumes.
By popular demand, I’m back to psychoanalyze them. Without further ado, here’s what you can expect to see this year, and in turn, what it’s saying about who’s wearing it:
• Batman: “I didn’t want to miss my chance before this gets rebooted in five years.”
• Bane: “I fancy talking like a lady British robot.” Or: “I have big muscles, and it’s simply folly that they so happen to be exposed.”
• Bane, with something to signify that you mean Bain (as in Capital): “I fancy making political statements while talking like a lady British robot.” “You merely adopted simple wordplay, but I was born with it!”
• Any Avenger besides The Incredible Hulk: “I saw a movie this summer.”
• The Incredible Hulk: “I’m going to get green face paint on you.”; “I have big muscles, and it’s simply folly that they so happen to be exposed.”
• Person wearing jeans and a T-shirt: “I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING HALLOWEEN NEXT WEEKEND. IT’S TECHNICALLY CLOSER TO HALLOWEEN.”
• Honey Boo Boo Child: “I like laughing at children less fortunate than me.”
• Honey Boo Boo Child’s mom: “I like laughing at fat people less fortunate than me.”
• Anyone else from the “Honey Boo Boo Child” show: “I watch too much reality television.”
• Snooki: “Remember when this was a thing?!”
• Any Olympian besides McKayla Maroney: “I’m still impressed by what happened at the London Olympics.”
• Gymnast McKayla Maroney: “Very little impresses me.”
• Psy, of “Gangnam Style” fame: “Yes, I want to do the dance.”
• Lance Armstrong: “I’m hoping to incite thoughtful discussion on the merits and demerits of cheating, charity, bikes and France.”; “I know how to ride a bike, or at the very least, I’m hoping this convinces people that I know how to ride a bike.”
• Barack or Mitt: “I might or might not vote.”
• Zombie Whitney Houston: “I didn’t learn from when I went as Zombie Steve Jobs last year.”
• Zombie Michael Clarke Duncan: “I didn’t learn from when I went as Zombie Steve Jobs last year.”; “I have big muscles, and it’s simply folly that they so happen to be exposed.”
• Felix Baumgartner: “I’m not going as Zombie Neil Armstrong.”
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair unless I revealed what my costume will be this year: I’m going as the Karate Kid, which says “I just had this karate suit and headband lying around,” “I get nostalgic for things from before I was born” and “Yes, I want to do the pose.”
Did Andy miss any? Email him at email@example.com and if he gets enough, he’ll put them in a blog post.