If I were a Girl Scout, I’d deserve the biggest merit badge EVER.
Not for planting a tree. Not for camping. Not for building a fire using only twigs and a rock. Or for helping old people cross the street. Or for walking my neighbor’s dog. Or for building an animal habitat out of recycled plastic bottles and a can-do attitude.
No. I deserve a badge for single-handedly funding the Girl Scouts of America.
When I wasn’t around to preach moderation and common sense, Seth gleefully ordered 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. That’s right: 30 boxes. As in, 17 boxes more than we really need. OK, 30 boxes more than we really need.
You’re welcome, Girl Scouts. Your new set of sashes and berets? They’re on us. (Do Girl Scouts still wear sashes and berets? I got booted out of my den or tribe or whatever pack Girl Scouts roam in after about two years because I don’t like nature, crafts or helping others. And I really don’t like berets.)
Apparently, this is how much Seth thinks we need: 10 boxes of Thanks A Lots, nine boxes of Peanut Butter Patties, eight boxes of Thin Mints, two boxes of Caramel deLites (looks like the Girl Scouts won’t be getting a badge for awesome spelling skills) and one box of Lemonades.
I think the thing that made me most angry about this list is the box of Lemonades. I’ve never even heard of them, but I can tell you right now they’re going to be the worst-tasting excuse for a cookie EVER MADE. When will the cookie pushers learn you just can’t make cookies out of fruits? Stop shoving your “healthy eating” agenda down my throat. Cookies should taste like sugar-coated self-loathing, not healthy, well-adjusted happiness.
Seth tried to justify his ridiculous cookie order by pointing out it wasn’t as big as last year’s, when he ordered a modest 20 boxes from his neighborhood cookie dealer, then bought 25 more from various Girl Scouts pushing their sugar-coated crack all over town. So on the one hand, I’m glad he showed a little restraint, but on the other hand ... We’re still eating his 45 boxes from last year. I’ve got a garage freezer that currently contains three frozen chicken breasts, ice and 14 boxes of Trefoils and Caramel deLites.
And the other weekend, I found three boxes of Peanut Butter Patties in a closet. IN A CLOSET. He’s hiding his addiction from me. Time to see if Dr. Drew is available for an intervention. There has to be a 12-step program for this.
Seth’s gluttony also has landed us in somewhat of a cookie conundrum. His sister-in-law is mighty miffed that he didn’t place his record-breaking order with his niece, who apparently would have been Girl Scout Supreme if she had reeled in a big spender like Seth.
Never mind the fact that she’s in Virginia and it would be physically impossible to mail that many cookies here. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal; something about interstate cookie trafficking.
But no, somebody’s got her cookie in a crumble. Sorry, but don’t the Girl Scouts offer a life lesson in not getting what you want? That’s a merit badge someone should look into.
Luckily, my little sister took the sad news that we’d only be good for a couple of boxes pretty well. She called the other day to peddle the sweet stuff, even though she’s only technically a Daisy and I didn’t even know Daisies existed in the Girl Scout chain.
Apparently, Elizabeth’s going for the gold when it comes to cookie sales. According to my dad, she’s already sold 256 boxes, far outpacing my personal Girl Scout sales best of 12.
So when I told her we’d take two boxes of Trefoils, she happily told us she’d put us down for five boxes, and that she’d hold onto them for us until we could come visit, though she “might eat them first, OK?”
OK. That’s fair, I think. I mean, if 30 boxes are good, 35 must be better. Right?
Ellis Harman is copy desk chief for The Island Packet and The Beaufort Gazette. Follow her at twitter.com/LifeIsLikeBlog.