The Guide's Holiday Music Roundup: Bob Dylan, blue-eyed soul and an extremely bearded Sting

When we at the Guide kicked off this feature two years ago, we did so by proclaiming that we, the undersigned, have nothing against Christmas directly. We like it very much. It’s just that for some reason — possibly a reason involving a gallon and a half of spiced cider  — the Christmas season tends to result in a flood of CDs of a sub-magical sort, discs less about joy and cheer and more about overproduction, histrionic singing and, of course, Jingle Dogs. So with that in mind, please enjoy the Guide’s Third Annual Holiday Music Roundup. It’s not such a bad little roundup. Maybe it just needs a little love.

Contributing Elves: Hannah Carroll, Tim Donnelly, Drew Martin, Justin Paprocki, Jeff Vrabel and Sarah Welliver.

• Bob Dylan, “Christmas in the Heart”: If there was ever a reason to wish an end to hunger — other than to prevent the suffering of our fellow man — it would be to stop Bob Dylan from releasing a Christmas album. This CD of 15 holiday classics (with proceeds benefiting the hungry charity Feeding America)  is full of the usual jingle-filled melodies like “Here Comes Santa Claus,” but combines them with the horrible (but not in that 1960’s warm-and-fuzzy way) vocals of a very craggy Dylan. This disc could just be the legend poking some fun at his iconic career and doing some good while he’s at it, but in any event, it’s left me feeling weird with an urge to set “Mr. Tambourine Man” to repeat on my iPod while I cried into a glass of rum eggnog. Mostly rum. (SW)

• Michael McDonald, “This Christmas”: “This” is precisely what you’d expect from a Michael McDonald holiday album: standards rearranged and spruced up with McDonald’s blue-eyed soul. But be warned: Most of this latest release is recycled from his previous two Christmas collections, “In the Spirit” and “Through the Many Winters.” Tracks here range from a brassy, gospel-influenced “Children Go Where I Send Thee” to a funky take on “Come, O Come Emanuel.” And what McDonald album would be complete without a few earnest ballads? The highlight is McDonald’s duet with his 17-year-old daughter, Scarlett, on a Dixieland-style “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” (JP)

• Sting, “If On A Winter’s Night”: Sting goes bearded and madrigal on this elven collection of vaguely holiday-tilted songs that will be largely unfamiliar to those who do not spend a great deal of time at Renaissance fairs. “Winter’s Night” is sort of like a dude version of Sarah McLachlan music, if such a thing is possible, with Sting and his forested semi-classical accompaniment strolling through pretentiously titled selections such as, “There Is No Rose Of Such Virtue,” “The Snow It Melts The Soonest” and the mouthful “Balulalow.” But there’s something to be said for taking a path less traveled, and though a little of this goes a long way, if you don’t mind your holiday cheer with a good helping of harp and hurdy-gurdy. (JV)

• Tori Amos, “Midwinter Graces”: Of everyone on the Christmas music list this year, Tori Amos is perhaps the least likely — and forgiveable. True to form, the overemotive, uber-earnest piano mistress couldn’t sound more out of place than she does on these orchestral, overprecious and fully cheeseball takes on slightly redone chestnuts (“Star of Wonder,” “What Child, Nowell,” etc.) and originals. Well-meaning enough, but unrequired. (JV)

• Straight No Chaser, “Christmas Cheers”: Even if you hate Christmas carols, a cappella music and dorky guys, Straight No Chaser’s “Christmas Cheers” is worth a listen for one reason: the group’s version of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” which incorporates a portion of Toto’s “Africa.” Yeah. It’s this kind of unexpected silliness that made SNC a YouTube phenomenon last year and landed them this second holiday album. From old standbys (“O Holy Night,” “Jingle Bells”) to new classics (“Christmastime is Here” from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”) and original songs, “Christmas Cheers” shows off the stellar vocal talents of the 10 Indiana University alumni. Recommended for fans of “Glee.” Not recommended for everyone else. (HC).

• David Archuleta, “Christmas from the Heart”: The baby-faced, chubby-cheeked, bushy-browed pop star Archuleta was the runner-up in the seventh season of “American Idol,” having been beaten out by David Cook. And in this inevitable Christmas set he croons out holiday favorites like “Joy to the World,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “Silent Night” and other holiday favorites. There are a couple songs off the beaten path here: “Pat-a-Pan,” a traditional French song, and “Riu Riu Chiu,” a traditional Spanish carol. Archuleta gives great thanks in the liner notes to his family, friends and staff for bearing with him “until the songs felt right,” but it’s unclear why, as the songs are sung straightforward and traditional, with just a bit of the operatic vibrato you’d expect. On the whole, Archuleta comes off as ... well, nice. (Note: Archuleta duets on “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” with Charice Pempengco.) (DM)

• REO Speedwagon, “Not So Silent Night”: It’s hard to imagine what is the intending audience for REO Speedwagon’s “Not So Silent Night,” the ’80s soft-rock hitmakers’ attempt to throw yet another gloss of “contemporary” paint on seasonal classics. Do you load the cheddary “Deck The Halls” (with its “Hey, Dad, Santa is downstairs!” intro banter) into your Shuffle along with “Time for Me to Fly?” Or do you slip these songs into the Christmas dinner playlist, only to have Grandma rocketed from her seat by the furious gospel of “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” a decidedly red-state repurposing of the Lennon classic. And can even die-hard Speed Freaks explain the use of auto-tuning and the phrase “funky gentlemen” on the track “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen?” If, for some untold reason, you are an REO Speedwagon completist, they got you good.  (TD)

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