"New Moon": Love bites

Posted by jvrabel at 1:41 pm, Thursday, November 19th, 2009
Posted in 

Today sees the release of “The Twilight Saga — New Moon,” the vampire-love-triangle movie that is the reason you’re not going to find a real good spot at the movie theater tonight. The movie is the second installment of the crazy popular series, which involves vampires, werewolves, a pretty incredible amount of moping, and hair that stands directly up all times. But that’s not all you’ll find, for there are also these... Surprises in the new ‘Twilight’ movie • Contains 30 percent more smoldering. • Saved money on production costs by eliminating voice recording and replacing it instead with 90 minutes of frantic teenage girl screaming. • Suffers from lack of Quidditch. • Bella survives werewolf attack by climbing into a refrigerator. • Best scene is five-minute montage to “Win in the End”with Jacob the werewolf playing basketball • Haven’t seen this many mopey pretend vampires since the Cure broke up. • Mostly just a setup for third sequel: “Twilight: Eclipse, And Sea Monsters.” • Movie ends when epic battle between werewolves and vampires and Mothra. Tokyo is destroyed. • Film turns out to be a creative writing exercise for Harry Potter’s English 202 class.

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