Court of merciless judgment now in session

Not to name-drop like some scarlet-letter-worthy people and/or governors I know, but God (yes, the God) and I were chatting about life the other night when I asked him this very significant and philosophical riddle: What’s the difference between Gov. Mark Sanford, Sen. John Ensign, former Rep. Chip Pickering and the swine flu?

Answer: The word “flu.”

Naturally, the good Lord wouldn’t indulge me by laughing at the expense of the Holy Trinity of Terrible Husbands — because when you’re God, that’s just bad form — but he did tell me that I could say anything I want to about those boys today and I would be completely absolved of all sin and reader-submitted criticism.

If you don’t know the story by now, Sanford, Ensign and Pickering are dealing with some serious marital issues that involve people other than their wives. In the grand scheme of the history of politicians and monogamy, this should come as no surprise to anyone, except maybe said wives, who I’m sure, despite it all, believed their man was not like that. Talk about heartbreak.

But the thing that makes this situation interesting — and by “interesting” I mean “odd and laughable and straight-up hypocritical” — is that all three of these apparent Hot Catches are associated with a spiritual halfway house on C Street in Washington, D.C., that is run by a super-secret club called The Fellowship, The Family, or as they proudly call themselves, the Christian Mafia. (This last name is awesome, despite its inclusion of the word “mafia,” a group known for murder, thievery and, of course, sleeping with all sorts of dames on the side, most of whom must be in it for the free furs and boxes of cigarettes because some of those mafia types are just plain awful looking — shellacked hair or not.)

See, the C Street house is supposed to be a place where lawmakers from both sides of the aisle gather for spiritual advisement, Bible study, solitude and prayer. Some lawmakers even live there, citing the importance and value of the like-minded fellowship — though I imagine right about now they are suddenly figuring out why Pickering and Ensign insisted on wearing smoking jackets and silk pajamas to their evening prayer circle, saying things like, “C Streeters in the hizzy!” and “Touch my abs! Nice, right?”

Fellowship is a great thing, though I do wonder why my leaders have to be repeatedly reminded about the fundamentals of humanity. “OK. It says here we’re not supposed to lie, cheat or kill. Yikes. Glad we read that.”

Also, the last time I checked, being a conservative Christian lawmaker — as the C Street Boyz (featuring the Notorious G.O.D.) proclaim to be — was supposed to mean that a person is more moralistic, restrained, disciplined, family-oriented and just plain better than everyone else and therefore more qualified to make decisions on behalf of the fist-chewing populace.

So how exactly do these Boyz fit that description? And what does this say about the others?

While it might not be right to malign the rest of the C Streeters, the fact remains, when you hang around swine, you too risk getting the flu. And, if it weren’t a ludicrous notion, I’d suggest quarantining the C Street residence immediately until the CDC can come up with an effective vaccine for hypocrisy.

(Remember, God said this is OK and has preemptively forgiven me. Check back next week for my written apology on the opinion page of all South Carolina newspapers.)

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