8 simple rules for dating my married governor

As a resident of a certain state where a certain You-Know-Who did a certain something in Argentina, I think it’s time that a certain someone — fine, I’ll do it — use the opportunity to offer a little guidance to any gals out there who might be considering some married governor dating of their own.

Have a seat right next to me, ladies, and listen closely:

Rule No. 1: Please have my married governor home by 11:30 p.m. ... at the latest. He has a wife and kids and A LOT of work to do and, as you know, a sworn obligation to an entire state of people who are counting on him to lead them and make important decisions on their behalf ... I know, blah, blah, blah. Responsibility’s the worst, isn’t it?

Rule No. 2: The state of your date should not interfere with the state of my state, OK? Yes, there might be love letters, dancing of the lambada and perhaps even the holding of magnificent things in your “relationship,” but the only thing we’re holding in the faded glow of the night’s light is a set of statistics that make the joke “Thank God for Mississippi” really not that funny anymore (though, truly, I am thankful for it). Remember, there is no summer school for married governors who mess up during their terms.

Rule No. 3: We WILL be waiting up for our married governor. Sneaking out might have been an exciting way to start a date back in the day and maybe you think we won’t notice that our married governor isn’t in his bed — and therefore he’s off the hook — but I’m here to tell you, the armchair by our front door is quite comfy. When the married governor tries to sneak back in, we will turn on the light and demand answers.

Rule No. 4: Do your homework. Study up, ladies. Suggested reading: “Monica’s Story,” “Gennifer Flowers: Passion and Betrayal” and the Wikipedia entry on adultery. After that, finish up with “Resilience” by Elizabeth Edwards and see if you still want to date my married governor. Listen, I know boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses but sometimes that’s the point of wearing them.

Rule No. 5: You want a love story? Go to the movies. You might notice at the conclusion of all good romances, the couple end up happily (and rightfully) together, and people leave the theater smiling and feeling cozy. That’s called “love.” If “Dating My Married Governor” were a movie, I assure you the theater would clear out at the opening credits and people would be so horrified they wouldn’t even take their popcorn with them. That’s called “Freddy Krueger.”

Rule No. 6: Respectable married governors don’t go all the way on the first, second, third, fourth or — come to think of it — any date. Kind of messes up your plans, huh?

Rule No. 7: Marriage is what put the “married” in the phrase “dating my married governor.” Don’t see my point? Try this. Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh, it’s his wife! Aren’t you going to answer the door?

Rule No. 8: Look, don’t date my married governor. As Dolly Parton once sang, “You could have your choice of men, but I could never love again,” so I’m appealing to you directly. When married governors go on dates, it ruins ALL married governors for us, and the state can barely afford education, never mind couples’ counseling for 4,479,800 people. Surely there are other fish in the sea with less obligation and no need for any sort of moral standing. Perhaps we can interest you in a nice DHEC man or someone in our legislature?

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