Can't a girl wear some fishnets and pleather panties without PTA Barbie and her pals - and by "pals" I mean that judgmental freckle-face Midge - clamoring over each other to see who can get to the store first for the wooden stakes and matches?
The answer to that, of course, is no (click HERE to read the story). And it's no wonder.
PTA Barbie's turtleneck is too tight because of her growing obesity, and nobody's buying Midge's homemade scrapbook angels these days (it's a tough economy, you know). So really, this Barbie of ill repute couldn't have come at a better time - the nation needs a neighborhood harlot to hate on.
This fall, Mattel is set to release "Black Canary Barbie," and though they insist she's for serious Barbie collectors only (not kids, they repeat, not kids) and is based on the DC Comics heroine from the 1940s, Black Canary, (who? yeah, exactly), most people with decent vision and corrective lenses are calling her the "S&M Barbie" because, well, look at her ... those boots are not made for walking, folks, they're made for stepping on some puny guy's chest for extra cash and a referral if she's lucky.
[And if she's not an S&M Barbie, by the way, then she's definitely a Britney Spears MTV Embarrassment Barbie. Remember her?]
Seriously, though, an S&M Barbie should come as no surprise to any of us. As a matter of fact, I thought there already was an S&M Barbie out there. It's 2008, for morality's sake, am I wrong? I was under the impression that the only shred of dignity left in this world had been used to fashion up a pair of Lindsay Lohan leggings complete with knee-pads ... [sadly, I'm not kidding. Lindsay Lohan knee-pad leggings really do exist and, get this, they're called "Mr. President." Ewwwww. Shred of dignity, indeed.]
Beyond the S&M Barbie, I was also pretty sure there was a Teenage Pregnancy Pact Barbie, an I Heart Terrorists Barbie and a Sleeps with Your Husband and Gives Both of You Herpes Barbie. I guess we're lucky it's just the Black Canary Barbie, huh? She of the sonic scream (that's her super power ... a sonic scream that shatters things and freezes people ... I looked it up).
Anyway, in an age where the celebri-media makes us have serious debates over Miley Cyrus' purity (P.S. Not pure ... ask the Jonas Brothers ... discuss) and where geriatric rockers are allowed to date 20-year-olds and populate the Earth with future reality TV stars, I should think the S&M Barbie - sorry "Black Canary" - would fit right in.
I can just see her at the cocktail parties now, "Hi, I'm Barbie. Oh ... your boyfriend's also your dad? Cool. Really cool. Yeah, I totally stole these boots. Anyway, I'm going back to school this fall for my B.E.D. Ha! Get it? My B.E.D. ... So, uh, is that Chex Mix?"