Last night I watched "Denise Richards: It's Complicated" and "Living Lohan." - E!'s two new celeb "reality" shows - and I must say, I give them both A-plus-plusses. They earned it.
Wait. What's higher than an A-plus-plus? There's got to be some better way to express this. I mean, they were so good I think they deserve to have reality shows made about how awesome their reality shows are. I would even go one step further and say they were so good they deserve to have reality shows made about the reality shows about how awesome their reality shows are. (I think I just disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity ... look closely).
Now before you ask me how my recent lobotomy went (It was fine. Thanks for asking.), I need to explain something that will clear all this up ... I miss Anna Nicole Smith. I miss her so much. The day she overdosed on her plastic surgery painkillers whilst battling a flu-like illness was the day the reality show theme music died for me. And there are no support groups for celebrity mourning. I'm doing this by myself, darnit, and I'm still in the "volatile reaction" phase of grieving, so watch out.
Anyway, let's just get this out on the table. No matter what anyone says, I strongly believe "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" to be amazing television. The description "train wreck" doesn't do it justice. It was the fatal car crash that happens to the person who stops to help the dazed victims at the train wreck.
The show was an absolute masterpiece from start to finish. Favorite moment of all time: Anna gets woken from a hazy nap on the couch to find out that her drunk hick of a cousin Shelly is outside with a camera crew and wants to come in. Anna's manager informs her that Shelly is missing teeth again. Anna stares dumbly for a while and then says, "Will you get me some donut holes and milk? ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... You said she didn't have no teeth?"
Well, it's time to pull over and watch emergency crews work another wreck, people. Just after seeing one episode of Denise Richards and of Dina Lohan (Lindsay Lohan's ridiculous mother), I feel ready to date again. Let the reality show rebounding begin!
Highlights so far:
- Dina Lohan spends 95 percent of her time reading tabloids and Google-ing Lindsay to find out what "lies are out there." She calls one Web site and sounds exactly like I do when the lady at Starbucks screws up my drink, "My attorney will be contacting you. Seriously, you're going to be hearing from my attorney."
- Ali Lohan (Lindsay's 14-year-old sister who already has a smoker's voice and wears her makeup like she's the second runner-up in The Little Miss Texas Pageant) is trying to convince her record label that she's more Jay-Z than Hannah Montana. Their response? We can't sell you unless you're Hannah, honey. This IS reality!
- And lastly, Denise Richards has managed to outdo all her celeb reality show brethren in the "There are 12 times more animals than humans in this show and they're crapping all over the place but no one seems to care or notice" category. I have to know ... why? Why do they all have 100 little dogs that leave Hershey squirts all over the house? And why don't these reality show celebrities ever pick up the poo-poo and sanitize the area? The Osbournes' house was like a litter box - except less clean. Anna Nicole (RIP) let Sugar Pie poop wherever it wanted. Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and his family's reality show featured a cadre of canines stinking up the joint (in one episode Nick's craziest sister goes around the house and picks up all the petrified turds and actually PUTS THEM IN HER SLIGHTLY LESS CRAZY SISTER'S PILLOW CASE! Her pillow case!). Did I mention that Denise has pigs in her house?
All I know is this is going to be one very good year.