Tearing a page from the Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera textbook, "How I Ruined a Perfectly Good Article of Clothing to Show My Stuff So I Can Get Famous," Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke Hogan has proven that she needs reading glasses ... or an eye transplant. While Britney's flesh-colored barely-there leotard shocked moms nationwide at the 2000 MTV Movie Awards, and Christina's own chaps might have made people do a double-take out of disbelief that anyone would wear those drafty things, their outfits helped make them even more famous. Brooke's homemade jean chaps, however, will get her noticed for one thing only. They make her look like she's wearing jean leg warmers ... and jean leg warmers are so not in style. Now I don't want to jump to conclusions that she has eye problems, so let's explore a few alternatives first. Maybe, for instance, she just got out of the ring with one of her dad's old wrestling buddies and this monstrosity of a look is all she had left. Or maybe she was attacked on the way to the stage by a jean pocket bandit, but because her work ethic is Just Too Strong, she decided to sing for that crowd, embarrassing jean situation or not. Or maybe there was a robot who had scissors for hands and he came out of nowhere and went straight for ... OK, there are no alternatives. Brooke Hogan needs help. I heard the Hogan family getting interviewed by Howard Stern last year and I've seen episodes of "Hogan Knows Best." They're a nice family. The parents seem to genuinely care about their children's futures. In fact, the family up and moved to Miami to help further Brooke's budding music career. And Hulk said they've spent millions above and beyond that trying to launch that career ... maybe the jeans are a budget cutback? The worst part about these homemade jean chaps is that she didn't just let this mistake go. She did it again at another appearance recently (you'll be happy to know she changed the underpants ... but those jeans don't leave her much choice, do they?). This tells me she either loves those jean chaps (gag) or she hit her head during dance rehearsal. The thing about Brooke Hogan is that she is only marginally talented in a genre that's already seen and heard everything when it comes to a high fructose corn syrup sound, breathy voices, writhing dance moves, and shockingly horrible costume decisions. [Click here to hear her music.] The major thing holding her back is the fact that she was raised right. She seems to have slightly more self-esteem than any other pop goddess out there and that's why the look and feel of the image she's trying to create is just not clicking. She can't let go of that upbringing and abandon all decency to those jean chaps or to any of the other scraps of fabric she's known for wearing. Brooke Hogan's problem? She needs to toss out the Britney and Christina manual and write her own guide .. and maybe put down the scissors. Unless there is a robot and, in that case, we all need to run for our lives.
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Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. She is a native Bostonian and a graduate of Gettysburg College. She is excellent at wasting time, loves to drink coffee and read, and has made Google-Image-stalking Tom Selleck a real pastime.
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