Liz Farrell is the editor of Lowcountry Current. She is a native Bostonian and a graduate of Gettysburg College. She is excellent at wasting time, loves to drink coffee and read, and has made Google-Image-stalking Tom Selleck a real pastime.
Phew, that was a close one. We were almost at the point where Amnesty International needed to start a letter-writing campaign. You will not believe this injustice ... Paris Hilton was so mentally distraught over her situation she could not even eat her prison-supplied hot dog at dinner. Can you imagine? This is America, for God's sake. Hot dogs are our birth right. Thankfully, the bumbling, blushing L.A. sheriff's deputies stepped in and made an executive decision. I don't even want to think about the inhumanity she would've suffered if she had to stay behind bars for FOUR days in a row! By now, she's probably just skin and b- ... hey, wait just a minute!
Last time I checked, prison isn't gym class. It's not something you can sit out with some well-faked stomach cramps or a doctor's note. Unless, you can ... perhaps Paris knows something we don't. Maybe prison is more like boarding school. Or like a job you really, really hate. I can just see the inmates now, putting on their fake sick voices: "Hello, warden? I need to take a personal day. I think I must've eaten some bad meat last night ... Where did I eat? Ugh ... the prison cafeteria. ... I know, I know ... that's why I swear I'll never go back to that place."
There's certainly a lot of general outrage about Paris' sudden release. As a matter of fact, she's been ordered to appear in court today and could very well end up right back in her cell (maybe even in time for pizza day). There's also a lot that can be said about her privileged treatment and the incompetence of the L.A. justice system and her justifiable disdain of prison-issued meat, but what I really don't understand is why she'd want to leave so soon.
I by no means ever want to go to prison, but there's something to be said about making the best out of an unpleasant situation. If it were me, I'd have taken the Martha Stewart approach. I'd set some ground rules. I'd make friends with the largest lady. I'd teach some crafts, maybe some journaling. I'd do some sit-ups in my cell. Catch up on some reading. And, yes, I too would turn down the hot dog because, damn it, I'm coming out of jail slimmer.
One can only conclude that Paris Hilton is so ridiculously boring that even SHE can't stand spending that much time with herself. ... I wonder if she carved slashes in the wall to keep track of her time there.